...move on and just go on with my life.

If only it's easier done than said.

If only I don't love her this much.

If only I could get to hold her hands once more and tell her how I really feel about her.

If only I could be the father of her kid.

If only I'm a better person than the guy she's with right now.

If only I could take care of her once more.

If only I can be beside her again whenever she needs somebody.

If only I could bring back the good old days.

If only she could hear me shouting her name.

If only we could be together.

If only I could do something to make all these happen... I would...

 

 

Currently listening to: Callalily - Stars
Currently feeling: frustrated

Siguro nga tama si Frances. Siguro nga, kahit ano pang gawin ko, kahit pagbaliktarin ko pa ang mundo, kahit mag-tumbling pa ako, hindi ko kayang mapantayan yung asawa nya. Ano ba naman ako? Sino ba naman ako? Ano ba naman ang sinabi ko dun? Isang hamak na kolsenter agent lang naman ako at sinyor marketing manidyer sya. Tang ina. Sawa na ako sa buhay ko. Nakakaburat. Nakakainis. At walang kwenta. Shit!

Currently listening to: Eventstar - the taste
Currently feeling: stressed

I'm near experiencing emotional supernova. I want to let it all out. I want to explode into pieces and just vanish into thin air. I'm sick and tired of my fucked up life. The feelings and the thoughts of her are all kept inside me and they just want to explode.

I want to cry but I can't. I want to shout out her name with hopes that she'd hear it. I want to hate her. I want to be angry but I can't.  I want to hold her hands but I can't. I hate it, because I can't do anything to have her back.

Currently listening to: Oasis - Champagne Supernova

Dalawang buwan narin ang nakalipas pero bakit napaka-hirap parin na kalimutan siya? Bakit siya parin ang nasa isip ko? Araw-araw sa pagpasok ko sa trabaho, sa tapat ng opisina niya ako bumababa at umaasa na muling makita at makausap siya. Sinusubukang tawagan kung minsan, ngunit sa isang idlap, aking binababa ang telepono na parang takot sa kanyang sasabihin kung sakaling sagutin niya ang telpono.

Bakit ba ganito parin ang nararamdaman ko? May panahon na gusto kong magalit sa kanya pero hindi ko talagang magawang magalit sa kanya dahil kung tutuusin, kasalan ko din naman ang lahat. Alam ko naman sa simula palang na may asawa't anak siya. Pero nung mga panahong iyon, magkahiwalay sila at isinasaayos na ang kanilang "anullment". Naging maayos naman kami kaya siguro umasa narin ako na kahit paano ay may patutunguhan ang aming relasyon. Mali ba na minahal ko siya? Hindi naman diba, ang mali lang siguro ay iyong sitwasyon. Bakit ba kasi kung kelan hindi na pwede ay tsaka ko pa siya nakilala. Kung nagkakilala siguro kami ng mas maaga, mas naging maayos sana ang lahat.

Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na minahal ko siya. At hanggang ngayon ay mahal ko parin siya, ang katotohanan niyan ay parang mas lumalago pa ang aking pagmamahal para sa kanya.

Currently listening to: Juana - Ikaw Pa Rin
Currently feeling: lonely

may makapansin kaya?

may mag-alala kaya?

may maghanap kaya?

Currently listening to: Dashboard Confessional - Again I go unnoticed
Currently feeling: sabog lang!

sa buhay kong walang kwenta. Binigyan ko ng deadline ang sarili ko para maayos at maipublish ang website ko nung july 7 pero di ko nagawa. Wala rin akong gana magtrabaho. Wala akong gana uminom (himala?!) at wala din akong gana pumunta sa labas upang mag-yosi (isa pang himala?!).

Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Lagi nalang walang gana. Kelangan ko ba ng vitamins?

Currently feeling: stressed

It's July 10, it's the first day of the Call Center Expo organized by CCAP and DL Media Focus. I'm planning to go there just to take my chances of talking to her once more. I'm still here at my crib thinking if I should go. Sigh... I dunno... I still have tomorrow though... But, I don't know. I want to go and see her... But I'm afraid that she might not even talk to me...

 

Bahala na... Come what may...  

Currently listening to: Typecast - Better Off
Currently watching: Game Ka Na Ba?!
Currently feeling: indescribable

badtrip ako! naiirita ako! 3am na ang bagong sked ko. three months kong titiisin na pumasok ng alas tres ng madaling araw. ok lang naman sakin dahil ang rest days ko eh friday and saturday! pero sobrang magastos!!! as in! taxi araw araw papasok tapos 12 noon ang labas ko. kamusta naman ang init diba?! at isa pa... kapag lunch ko na!!! breakfast lang ang pagkain sa mcdo!!! putang ina!!! mapupurga na naman ako sa big breakfast at sausage mcmuffin!!! leche!!! pero ang magsasalba sakin ay pares! tama pares araw araw para mamatay na ako!!! grrr!!!!

I was on my way home this morning when the warmth of the morning sun touched my skin. It felt like heaven. I looked into the horizon and I saw the beautiful sunrise. And then, it hit me. Why does everything seem to be perfect around me but "me" isn't perfect, or even close to that. Why does it feel like the world conspired to make my life miserable.

I am struggling with my QA scores. I must admit, it's my fault. Following the QP is as simple as 1-2-3. I am just not in the mood for work lately. I'm not enjoying this anymore. It sucks big time! But still, I have to work, for the next 40 or so years! I need to polish my performance a bit more. I know that I need to perform well but, I just don't have the urge, or should I say, motivation.

My cousin from Australia has been asking me to go there to work. I want to but I just can't leave Philippines. I have my life here, I have my family here, I have my friends here and I know I won't be able to drink out in the street in Australia. I know that there's a brighter future for me there but I love my country. I can earn ten folds my current salary in Australia but I am satisfied with my current salary. There's a lot of things holding me back from going there. I don't know...

 

Currently listening to: Amber Pacific - Save me from me
Currently feeling: sleepy...

Juana - Ikaw Pa Rin 

[Verse 1]
nang matapos ang mga araw
na ika’y sa aking piling iniibig ka pa rin
nang maglaho na ang sikat ng
buwan at araw
sa tuwing magdamag ikaw pa rin

[Refrain 1]
bakit nga ba itong pusong
sinugatan
tila nais pa ring maramdaman
tamis ng yakap mo’t halik

[Chorus]
Naaalala mo pa ba nang tayo’y
magkasama pa
Iyong sinabi’t pinangako na
nalimot mo na siya
At kahit naglaho ka na muling
sumama sa kanya
Sa aking puso ay ikaw pa rin,
ikaw pa rin

[Verse 2]
Tuwing pag-gising sa umaga ang
Iyong mukha
ang nais halikan at sambahin
sa maghapon ay iniisip ka lang
at ang mga nakaraan na kaysaya

[Refrain 2]
Bakit nga ba yong puso’y
sinugatan
habang pagsisisi ay hindi na
kailanman mawawala

[Chorus 2]
Naaalala mo pa ba nang tayo’y
magkasama pa
aking sinabi’t pinangako na tayo’y
may pag-asa
ngayon kahit siya’y sa akin sa
kanyang yakap at lambing
ninanais ay ikaw pa rin, ikaw pa in

[Verse 1]
nang matapos ang mga araw
na ika’y sa aking piling iniibig ka pa rin
nang maglaho na ang sikat ng
buwan at araw
sa tuwing magdamag ikaw pa rin

[Chorus]
Naaalala mo pa ba nang tayo’y
magkasama pa
Iyong sinabi’t pinangako na
nalimot mo na siya
At kahit naglaho ka na muling
sumama sa kanya
Sa aking puso ay ikaw pa rin,
ikaw pa rin

......:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....:::::.....

When I first heard this song, sobrang naka-relate ako... nyahaha... putang ina... senti emo mode na naman ako... bwiset!

Currently listening to: Juana - Ikaw Pa Rin
Currently feeling: Emo Mode

Why does it have to be like this?

Why the hell do you have to be out of reach?

You were close to touch before but now you have slipped away so far that I cannot even see you anymore.

I want to see you again so we could talk.

But I know it's near impossible for that to happen.

Why do I always have to run after you?

My heart is far to weak to endure this anymore.

I want to give up. But I just cant. Or maybe, I just don't want to.

Please... Anybody... Give me a bottle of beer and a stick of ciggie.

Currently listening to: Daphne Loves Derby - Hopeless Love
Currently feeling: weird

My dad bought a new PC yesterday. Well, it's not actually new, it's a second hand PC from his officemate. It came all the way from Japan. It has this really cool soopah thin CPU and 22 inch flat screen wide screen resolution LCD monitor. P4 processor and 1GB RAM. Whoa! Can't wait to use it. I'm still using my old beat up PC. IT has P4 as well but only 512mb of RAM. It's all good though. I just need to buy a wireless router so I could have internet in my room as well. grrr... Gastos na naman to!!!

Currently listening to: Amber Pacific - Save me from me

I was reading Frances' entry, and I suddenly missed Vennus and her daughter... Sigh... Look at how cute they are... The picture was taken last April 17, 2007 at KFC Glorieta. I hate eating sa fast food kapag nasa mall, I prefer the type of North Park, Gerry's and the likes. Pero that time, ok lang, since kasama nga namin yung baby nya and first time ko na-meet yung daughter nya.

 

Currently listening to: Chicosci - 7 Black Roses
Currently feeling: nostalgic

Tang ina. Late na naman ako. Sobrang aga ko na nga umalis pero nalate parin ako. Andami ko na ngang late, bagsak pa QA ko. Bwisit na buhay talaga to. It's not that ayoko na magwork, pero I really think I need some time off. Kelangan ko ng pahinga. Kahit ilang araw lang. Pero hindi maapprove PTO ko. Bwisit talaga. January pa ako nag-aapply ng PTO pero kahit pangalan ko di ko makita sa MyPrime na nag-apply ako. Di ko alam kung ano ang nanyayari pero nahahassle na talaga ako. Tang ina!!!

Ihanda na ang warning... Pipirmahan ko na... Dun din naman punta nito eh. I would totally understand kung bigyan man ako ng warning. Hindi naman ako namemersonal eh. At alam kong kasalanan ko.

Currently listening to: RATM - Killing in the name of
Currently feeling: disappointed

Galing bora.

Gained weight.

And she still carry that disarming smile... 

I WANT: to be happy and complete
I HAVE: almost everything... well almost...
I WISH: i could hold her hands once more.
I HATE: myself for loving her too much.
I MISS: Vennus
I FEAR: being alone.
I HEAR:  music of Yellowcard.
I SEARCH: to find my self and peace of mind.
I WONDER: what i did to deserve this
I REGRET: being too makulit that's why I met you.
I LOVE: her.
I ACHE: in my heart.
I ALWAYS: dream
I AM NOT: who you think iam.
I DANCE: whenever i feel like.
I SING: anytime i want.
I CRY: when i am hurt.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: an asshole
I WRITE: in my journal.
I LOSE: myself in you.
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: you
I SHOULD: try to forget you

I was browsing through my Friendster when I came across Tin's account (she's Vennus' friend/officemate), I saw that there are some newly uploaded pictures. I checked it out and found out that they went to Boracay last July 14. I think it was a company treat since they just finished a big event recently (Call Center Expo '07). I saw two pictures that made me laugh my heart out. Vennus gained weight. Well, it's not the reason why I was laughing. It's because she's trying to hide her belly. I'm like, what the hell, why on earth is she hiding her belly. It isn't big at all, well, it's a bit bigger than before. But still, she looks hot. Believe it or not, I still prefer chubby girls. Check out the pics below. Even if she gained weight, I still love her. Nyahaha...

Vennus (the one on the right) with Kristine.

Vennus, Jen, Tin, Malou and Charlene.

Vennus, Jen, Malou, Tin and Charlene.

Currently listening to: Kjwan - One Look
Currently feeling: amused

Been trying to keep myself busy with work lately. Well, not just office work but I'm trying to work on my website which is like a year in the making. Had like three draft designs and I still can't decide what design to use. Maybe, I'd end up using the design that I am currently working on. It looks a bit more professional than the other designs I created. Haven't started slicing and dicing the design since haven't had enough time to work on it at home. The Adobe Photoshop I have in the office is an old version and it doesn't have Adobe Image Ready which means I couldn't convert the design from Adobe Photoshop to an HTML file. In any case, hopefully, I'd be able to launch it soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Haha.

You guys can check out the current design I am working on at http://www.flipdesign-inc.com

Currently listening to: Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
Currently feeling: Sabaw na utak...

Got this from a friend's blog. I read through it and it hit me... Big time! 

Notes from the heart and mind of a genius

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.

TO LET GO OF SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP LOVING, IT ONLY MEANS
THAT YOU ALLOW THAT PERSON TO FIND HIS OWN HAPPINESS WITHOUT EXPECTING
HIM TO COME BACK.

Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.

This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you.

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.

Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)

Currently listening to: Fra Lippo Lippi - Stiches and Burn
Currently reading: Friend's blog
Currently feeling: lazy

Got this from the same friend's blog and it hit me as well...

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of
people. Ones with whom you shared something
special, ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed, the one you
first loved, the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal, the one
you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that
person with who(m)everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was
just wrong. There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards
just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

When you're not ready to commit in
that mature manner, it doesn't matter who(m)
you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems
become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are
no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and
little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And
when this happens you'll be ready to settle down
with someone. He or she may not be the most
perfect, they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life, but
it'll work because you're ready. It'll work
because it's the right time and you'll make it
work. And it'll make sense.

So that day comes when you're finally making
sense of things, and you find yourself to be a
different person. Things are different, your
approach is different, you finally understand who
you are and what you want, and you've become
ready because the time has truly arrived.
There's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single but you could be in a
long-term relationship, you could be married with
three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is
that you've changed, and for some reason, the one
that got away, is the first person you think
about.

You'll think about them because you'll
wonder, "What if she/he were here today?" You'll
wonder, "What if we were together now, with me
as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one
that got away is. The biggest "Whatif?" you'll
have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the
fact that the one that got away, got away.
No matter how fairy tale you think your marriage
is, this can happen to the best of us. But
hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with and
this is just another test of your commitment, one
which will just strengthen your marriage when you
get past it.Sure, you'll think about him/her
every so often, but it's alright.It's never nice
to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's
already married. In which case it's the same
thing. You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little smile to your lips in the future when
you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's
different. What do you do if it's not yet too
late? Simple... find him, find her. Because
the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder, what if you got
that one?

It doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of
nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might
be "the one that got away" as well for the person
who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it
won't make a difference. If the timing is finally
right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and
you know, it would be a great feeling, in the end,
to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the
one that almost got away."

I think Vennus is the one that got away and also the one that went away. Timing was wrong. She's married and she has a kid. Everything was perfect until the day the husband showed up. I can't blame her for choosing the guy. He's way better and established than me. A senior markeith manager for one of the biggest telecommunications company in the Philippines and I, on the other hand, just a call center agent who still live with my parents.

Sigh... I am still hoping and wishing that one day, when everything's ok and when everything's right... things will fall in its correct place... and love will lead he back...

Currently listening to: UB40 - Red Red Wine
Currently feeling: blank

I have tons of thoughts running through the back of my head for like ages. It's more like there's a battalion of soldiers marching around my head. It feels like I'm a mad man waiting to burst.

Aside from the thoughts that's bothering me day in day out. It also feels like that I will have a super massive heart attack because of the heartache that I am feeling right now. It's been three long months since she left but instead of feeling better as days pass by, it keeps on getting harder. Instead of learning how to walk again, I am here, down on my knees and feeling like a paralyzed person that can't move on.

It sucks. It sucks to be me...

Currently listening to: Restless Heart - When She Cries